Devotion in an Undevoted World

I’m back people!  No seriously, I’ve been on a sabbatical as of late.  I gave birth to my absolutely adorable son April 24th!  Since, I’ve been trying to find some normalcy and routine.  I’m sure many of you know what I mean.  Therefore, I figured if I don’t start blogging again… I never will.

Sabbaticals happen quite often in my life.  I become very enthused about partaking on a goal and I dive right in.  If it’s yoga, for instance, I buy the yoga mat, yoga gear and sign up for classes.  I even went to an Ashram for a yoga retreat in the Bahamas.  I surely was a fantastic yogi…right?  Soon as time passed, my mat collected dust.  My muscles began to tighten and there went my downward facing dog.  It was more like downward on my sofa.

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I have also tried my best with being vegan.  Ah, what a noble person I thought I would be if I did not participate in the brutal killing of innocent animals.  I read all the blogs on veganism… I watched Forks Over Knives and completely agreed with their compelling arguments.  I bought the  shirt that spelled out VEGAN so the WHOLE world would know that I was fully devoted to veganism.  I updated my Facebook with quotes about how harmful eating meat was and felt proud.  Then… like with yoga.  I hit a wall.  I burnt out and a piece of chicken brought me back to life.

The same with my blog.  I have wanted to author a book for most of my life.  Perhaps since I read my first memoir in high school.  I love writing and maybe I’m not the best with expressing myself with eloquent words, but I love giving a small part of myself to readers.  I knew when I start blogging that I would face the same issue.  Devotion.

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Every New Years, I take out my notebook and write down my goals for the upcoming year.  My memoir is always on that list and each year it’s another fail.  For me… devotion isn’t easy.  Maybe I’m not the devoted type.  I fall in and out like waves.  I can’t even commit to secular religions.  I don’t want this great expectation that I MUST attend church every Sunday.  Hence, why I decided to practice Buddhism and embark on a journey of freedom and meditation.  Buddhism is pretty much being nice to people…right?  WRONG!  I have to devote myself to meditation, reading Dharma, and going to Temple.  I barely do any of that.

So this is my life… a very big gray area of diving in and out of things I absolutely enjoy, but sometimes shy away from.

I’m not sure how to become that person who I see at peace rallies and who can attend that 6am yoga class and meditate at 10pm.  I may never be that person.  I just may always swim along the current while enjoying the occasional dip in the ocean.

I’m not sure if anyone knows how I feel, but if you do… I can assure you that you are not alone.

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