When I had a miscarriage right before getting pregnant with my son, I realized the stigma associated with it. Many women fall silent to the experience in fear of what others will say or think. Even writing this blog, I am haunted with thoughts such as, am I exposing myself too much and is this something to share? The answer is absolutely. Women need to know that they are not alone and it should no longer be a hidden secret.
When I planned for my first pregnancy I was petrified. The thought of being a mother made my stomach turn. Then something happened.. my pregnancy test said.. PREGNANT. I felt this intense realization of the journey that my partner and I were about to embark on. But my body told me that something wasn’t normal. But I continued on in my happiness.
I recall going to my part time job and I was so excited that I blurted it out, I said, “I’m 5 weeks pregnant!!” My coworkers response was not joy, but a warning. She told me it was too early to celebrate because you “never know.” There it was.. out in the open. The thought that I could have a miscarriage. My mind went crazy. At work I googled symptoms of a miscarriage and fear sunk in.
Regardless, in my 8th week I had my appointment at the obgyn. My partner was with me and we went into the office. She did the scan and there was my baby and the first and last time I would see a heartbeat. The fetus was extremely small and measured weeks behind. She scheduled me for a 12 week appointment and I went on my way.
A week passed and I woke up from the worst dream I’ve ever had. I can still feel it to this day. It’s too scary to share even here. But God gave me the biggest warning of my life.
Then at week 12, I began to bleed. My fear came true. I told my partner and since it was late we went to bed and I cried until I finally slept. I made an appointment the next day and I knew it wasn’t good. I cried as they took my weight and I cried laying down waiting for the doctor. The screen was turned toward her and she took awhile as she squinted her eyes. Then she told me, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat. The baby stopped developing at 9 weeks.” My mind couldn’t comprehend the reality of what she was telling me. It couldn’t real… it all couldn’t be real. She sent me to a specialist to confirm it. I drove there and knew that I was going to have another ultrasound to tell me I lost my baby. I went in and there was my baby on the screen. She let me look and I saw her. I knew she was gone. The pain was real when I fully miscarried. The tears I shed were real. She would have been 1 years old January 2, 2016.
So if anyone is reading this, I hope you know that your experience is very much real. That your baby existed and your baby was alive in you. I know that when I pass I will eventually see her face for the first time. But I know that I am meant to raise my son. He is my rainbow baby and the best thing I could have ever prayed for. But even those who don’t have any other children I hope you hear my words when I say you are a mommy in heaven.
To those who know someone who experienced it, please acknowledged their baby and never say “just have another one.” They lost a baby and that life could never be replaced.