One night I cried a lot! I cried till the water of my eyes ceased to come out! I cried the whole night. I cried over my sorrows, over what other’s have and I don’t. I cried missing those best moments. The night passed by. Days passed by. I had one question to God always, “Why did you choose me for this? I loved my mother more than anything, still you did this? Is this because I never believed you existed? Or is this because I never prayed to you?” Weeks passed. I kept trying to search the answer. Though I knew that the sky I saw was just a part of universe we live, the stars and the constellations are the existing bodies in the universe, I searched for my answers in them. I tried to communicate with the world to find the answer. No one could answer. A month passed, I still searched for the answer. “Why me?”
One night, when I was teary- eyed, looking at the sky again, I remembered her face. I remembered all the memories we shared. That night passed peacefully. The next morning when I woke up, I felt as if I communicated with my mother through her memories. I remembered those past eight years especially because those were the most happiest moments of our lives. I remembered her getting up at six every morning, with a headache as her immunity was low. Yet, her priority was her husband’s tea, packing the bag and bidding good-bye to him! And then she would roam all over the house with ‘zhandu- baam‘ in her hand, but would only apply it when her pain would be unbearable. She was unfit, but it was always her, who would make the breakfast for us. It used to be nine in the morning, and we slothy children would never get up early. She would then wake up us with love, with all the pampering as if her children were the prince and princess of some wonderland! ( Unlike dad who would wake up us as the futureless youth of tomorrow). I remember the lunch-making, where she would always discuss some sort of new dish with our maid, as our maid would look at my mother as if she’s her local Sanjeev Kapoor! Evenings were always wonderful. We would have tea while discussing my future plans.
Some days would be tough where she would be on total medication–hospitalized. Some days chemotherapy was the worst. Once an oncologist himself told my dad, if he gets cancer, he would never take chemo in his life. Powerful is this vicious venomous liquid. It heals, but it gives more pain. Well, my mother had to go through twenty-one rounds of chemotherapy so there was lot to worry for us. But on a positive note, my dad’s doctor degree helped him a lot to understand what my mother was going through and he would treat her himself many times from the pain of chemo.
As I recalled the memories of my mother that morning, I felt real good–in all this, we never cried! We had so much moments of laughter. Well, that’s when I realized something. I had got my answer. I had asked God, “why me,” where my mother had never even doubted his choice. Where she knew He chose her because she’s the strongest. I, being a daughter of my strong mother, cried for what? Where she did not even drop a tear from her eyes past eight years. She suffered, but she saw the sufferings of others as great. Then what right do I have to pamper my sorrows to the world or to myself? I can’t justify her fight if I keep asking God for things He has not done. It’s what comes and we accept! And we need to accept it gracefully.
We as human beings, have no right to showcase or advertise our sufferings or sorrows to this world! It does not count! Nor the world cares! Everyone is dealing with their own issues! All we can do is believe that whatever comes our way, it is bound to come! Whatever we ought to do, we should do! If you keep crying for someone or something, at least if that someone was so special, its not worth your tears, its worth your appreciations! That loss should bring a change in us, not because someone is watching but because you owe something to someone.
This article is not to present what cancer or my mother was, or what my life is! This is just to show how much we pity ourselves, but that is not what life expects from us. This article isn’t to advertise our sorrows, its to tell everyone out there crying over your own sorrows, that “its enough!” Crying is easy! Do something better with your life! Which is not as easy as crying definitely! ‘Hope’ kept my mother alive some years more, so never leave hope! I still hope to fulfill her dreams. Whatever it is about, It’s not worth crying! It worth something better!
About the Author – I am Aishwarya Kale, a twenty-one year old psychology graduate. I was thirteen when my mother was first detected with breast cancer. Later she recovered for two years until cancer struck and never left her till the end. But I am proud of her fight, a fight she won even if she wasn’t able to complete the race of life to the fullest. She always believed in living each day to its infinity. I am glad to be a daughter of a woman who never cried these eight long years of pain. She was always happy and satisfied with her life, no matter how hard cancer made it for her. I can never idolize anyone enough as much as I do her for her spirit and valor. Even in the moments of pain we never broke down. I’ve seen the worst of cancer and all I wish is to never see it happening to anyone anywhere anymore. She died last year on 27 July 2016. But her memories are alive with us. Forever to be. @ash_kale_1996